Overwhelmed...

I want to leave the font in black...it's kind of how I'm feeling today. I am not prone to bouts of sadness or depression or seasonal affective disorder or panic attacks or even a lot of negative talk...but oh goodness, I am in a d a r k mood these last few days. I wish I could explain it as a faux darkness related to the bewitching season...it is real. And oppressive. Maybe I just need to vomit it all up on this blog, so I can move on. I am very impatient with negativity...therefore, I am not happy with being with myself lately....which is ridiculous because I am alone for ~6 hours every day.

1. I was very overwhelmed with my school load this 2 weeks. Although I believe my paper for my Ed Research course was a reasonable success, it was 24 hours late. Not a very doctoral-ly thing to do. Although my ability to take great notes from my doctoral readings, sometimes my brain aches upon completion. I have NO idea how I will ever complete a dissertation...
2. I was supposed to be leaving for CA today for a PhD conference. Upon finishing the conference I was making a pitstop in CO to see a dear childhood friend, who happens to be confronting the big 40 in less than 2 weeks. :-) Sorry, K! Love ya!  However, due to a budget that has so little wiggle room (think getting blood from a stone), I had to cancel this trip and plan to attend a closer PhD conference (Mpls) in the spring. I think this started the downward spiral. I feel so sad that I missed this opportunity. Which made me think about other lost opportunities with friends...
3. I am also a bit overwhelmed by the Master's program I am in. The work is a blast - I love being able to learn more science...but I truly don't know if I can afford to pay for the next set of classes, which will postpone the completion of THIS degree. PLUS, my grades are not as high in these courses, which makes me super frustrated. It's like little pools of negative eddies...swirling around in my brain, adding to the distraction of it all.
4. Focus, maybe that's it. I can be so focused...and I feel completely UN-focused. This lack of focus makes me crabby - I don't like crabby me. My daughters don't like crabby me. My husband really doesn't like crabby me.
5. I don't have any metabolism. I also don't have the disposition to starve myself. Having been hungry occasionally as a child, growing up with very little money, I'm blaming this fear of being hungry on that. Actually, that's really stupid but I didn't want to head into my 40's with extra libs - I want a personal trainer, someone who can kick my ass every day. Whatever.
6. (I think I'm getting it out....almost done vomiting) I don't like the insecurity of being jobless. I don't want to head back into a middle school classroom, so I HAVE to successfully finish these degrees in a timely manner - but right now, I've got that tunnel vision thing that happens in horror movies or bad dreams, where the finish line, the end of hallway, the light at the end of the tunnel...just gets farther and farther away the more you try to reach it....know what I mean??
7. I was up until 2:30 this morning, finishing my Geology and Meteorology homework, well, actually, just Geo (Met was done)...glaciation factors and features had me really perplexed at this late/early hour. I was so tired that my ears were ringing and my eyes were stinging. Weird. I'm a little tired this morning (actually it's noon), with the complete lack of sleep. I submitted my homework tests a little while ago but now I have a bunch of housework to do. I should probably  throw together the pot roast I've been planning. I have pumpkin bars to make as well.

I need to be done with this purging...life is what it is..the good, the bad, the ugly...if you managed to stay with me through this nonsense - I thank you.

God speed, little buddies...